Perspective

This morning I was appalled at the $97 I paid at the pump to fill my car! I was mentally composing my Facebook Status Update whilst in line at Starbucks. After I handed over $5 for my fave 20oz Venti Pumpkin Spice latte, I decided my perspective was a bit askew. My reward for getting all three kids to school on time is an occasional coffee at Starbucks and I am rarely ever disgusted with paying $5 for a latte. However when I’m buying Folders at the grocery store and find it can be up to $10 for a container that makes umpteen cups of coffee I scoff at the price! Unfortunately my delusions don’t end with coffee. I have been known to drive 40 miles to the nearest Costco to buy groceries at a reduced rate. Aside from the astronomical gas prices and 80 mile round trip, anyone who shops at warehouse stores knows it’s IMPOSSIBLE to pass up the extra “necessities” like 20 socks or a ten pound bag of cereal that the kids tire of before ever reaching the end! I like the feeling of getting 5000 rolls of toilet paper for $9 or 100 bars of soap just as much as the next person, but the hassle of finding space to put it all kind of ruins my bargain hunting buzz! In my 37 years on this earth I have realized a few things about myself. #1: other people’s feet gross me out. #2: I am willing to use Santa as leverage throughout the year when my kids are misbehaving. #3: cellulite is a part of life. #4 the only thing consistently getting thinner as I age are my eyebrows. And #5: my perspective of bargains vs. price gouging is a little awry.

Oops vs EPIC FAIL!!!

Forgetting to shave my armpits…Oops
Realizing this while in route to a BBQ, wearing a spaghetti strap dress…EPIC FAIL!!

Mistaking a long haired boy at the playground for a girl…Oops
Repeatedly calling that boy a girl while talking to his mom even after she’s corrected me twice…EPIC FAIL!!

A few years ago my boyfriend’s grandma called me by a different name…Oops
The old woman telling me he was always fond of blondes…EPIC FAIL!!

Sending my kindergartner to school on “red shirt day” wearing an orange shirt…Oops
Sending my kindergartner to school on “orange shirt day” wearing an orange shirt but forgetting it’s the one day of the week they start an hour earlier…EPIC FAIL!!

Returning books to the library two days late…Oops
Owing the library $75 for three lost kids books about hummingbirds and volcanos…EPIC FAIL!!

Forgetting my 37 year old ID while attempting to buy boxed wine at Target…Oops
Asking my husband’s late 70’s looking client how old his grandson is only to find out it’s his son…EPIC FAIL!!

Forgetting a friend is pregnant when I offer wine…Oops
Publicly congratulating my friend on Facebook about her impending grandmother status only to find out I was mistaken…EPIC FAIL!!

Driving a half hour to an appointment that’s scheduled for the next day…Oops
Taking my teenage son out of school for a doctor’s appointment, finding a sitter for the youngest two and driving an hour to the appointment only to find out the appointment was for my youngest son…EPIC FAIL!!       
 

Walking in on someone in a restroom stall…Oops
Forgetting my lookout duties and not paying attention to a group of 15 hikers descending on my husband bent over answering Nature’s Call…EPIC FAIL!!
 

I want a DO OVER and it's not even NOON!!!

Today was already sucky when I woke up. I let my nightly “migraine preventative medicine” run out so of course I woke up with one. That wasn’t even the worst part. I’m pretty sure children can smell weakness. My kids have been little monsters all day (and not the Lady Gaga kind)! I thought I’d give myself a break (remember those ads) by going through McDonald’s this morning. There is some kind of blueberry oatmeal out that costs twice as much as the regular oatmeal and of course that was what my kids wanted. After going through the drive through they both decided they were remiss in their original request but alas, it was too late. No McMuffins for them. The 5 minute drive home may have been the longest of my life. 5 minutes of whining, crying & screaming. Not to mention the kids were upset too. I thought my “break” would come in the form of watching the Today show and drinking my McD’s coffee while they were eating oatmeal in the next room. Oh hahaha...no. It seems that much like the kid alarm that goes off when they hear me closing the bathroom door, Matt Lauer’s voice sends them into tantrums. ”He did this!” “She did that!” “Mom he scratched me…a little!” “Mom I didn’t scratch her for real, it was a joking scratch!”  Ugh!!! My reply won’t land me in the Mom Hall of Fame…"OK the next person that comes out here crying or screaming or blaming or whining or talking at ALL will be going to their rooms!” I would like to say with that peace reigned in our home for the rest of the morning, but I’m all about honesty. I had the bright idea to demand they go outside to play to get all of their energy out as soon as breakfast was over. Unfortunately the dog ate half of my daughter’s oatmeal to which my son elected to laugh hysterically. I feel like today I have heard more crying, whining and screaming than the last 4 flu shots combined! Yesterday was bliss. Tomorrow will probably be great. But today...I WANT A DO OVER!!!

Old Foe

I got into a fight this morning. It wasn’t with anything that had a pulse, but it was my old nemesis….Plastic Wrap. I usually so everything I can to avoid run-ins with my foe. Reusable containers and Ziploc baggies keep Plastic Wrap at bay. Unfortunately we were out of the baggies and the reusable containers have all but disappeared. I have my theories. I might be inclined to think it was the kids taking snacks into their room or out to the chickens. I might even go so far as to say we were robbed and all they took were reusable sandwich containers. But I know the truth. Plastic Wrap isn’t an enemy of anyone else in this house. In fact I’d say my husband has a pretty good relationship with it. He displayed his Alpha Male and the Plastic Wrap coward. My teenage son doesn’t even see my distain as valid. He uses it with ease and often comes up with a folding method that would make the picture on the box look messy! I came to the conclusion long ago that the Plastic Wrap and me would be mortal enemies. This morning I was looking to secure a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my 5 year old to take to preschool. When I opened the drawer, searching for a Ziploc, I saw the Plastic Wrap. I ignored it, as per usual, but I kept coming back to the drawer knowing full well I wouldn’t find a baggie, but in denial that Plastic Wrap would be my only way out.  After I could stall not longer, I picked it up, sat it on the counter, and tried to procure a large enough square to wrap the PB&J. Right off the bat, as if it were lying in wait, the plastic wrap refused to come off clean. It held on, with all it’s might, to 2 inches on either edge. I was forced to try again. Frustrated and cursing, I ripped off 2 messy rectangles and shoved it back into the drawer from which it came. In the end I’d like to say I was the victor, but as I looked that the smug and tattered Plastic Wrap, I knew better. It might have won this battle, but I will win the war. I have plans today, a strategy if you will, to hit the dollar store and come away with a minimum of 10 new reusable plastic containers. Take that Plastic Wrap! Have fun collecting dust in the back of the drawer, plotting your next move.

Message from Plastic Wrap: Ha! I’ll abduct the new containers and stuff them where I hid the old ones…she’ll be back.  

Lucy to my Charlie Brown

My 3 year old daughter is sweet, funny and adorable. That being said, she is also a bit like Lucy with a touch of Calvin & Hobbes. My daughter has beautiful ringlet hair that BEGS to be done up in a barrette or sweet braids. Unfortunately my daughter doesn't share the same view. I was a tomboy growing up and I also have two sons. I thought having a daughter was my passport to all things girly. Instead she prefers to play with worms, pick up rolly pollies and hold one of our 3 chickens rather than dress up dolls. Pretty much like me growing up. Except that I wore Toughskins jeans and t-shirts and she is a bit of a fashionista. I have caught her (more than once) attempting to apply lipgloss and there was an incident with liquid eyeliner a few weeks back. Once my cousin put my daughter's hair in 2 ADORABLE braids and she left them in ALL DAY!!! Since then I have tried to replicate that afternoon of girly delight at least 15 times to no avail. I admit that I am partially to blame. I have great success with the first of 2 braids. Spot on cute. However the second...ummm lets say a pirate with a hook for a hand could make a better second braid than me. It usually takes me 10-15 minutes to finish due to squirming (and my being completely unqualified & inept). When I'm finished she happily skips out of the room to play, one good braid and one severely lower, cockeyed braid. Even though she PROMISES to leave them in, her record is probably 8 minutes. As in 8 minutes later I see her dancing around with her beautiful blond ringlets bouncing on her back. This little "game" we play has left me pretty much giving up the idea that my daughter will ever have a stylish hairdo. Then one day, out of the blue, she came to me with two little hair ties that perfectly matched her outfit. She actually asked me "make 2 braids please Mama!" I was skeptical and said no at first. Then with assurance of an all day hairdo...I caved. Thinking THIS time would be DIFFERENT, I looked into her big blue eyes filled with hope and was taken in by her sweet little smile...I had to say yes. I tried my best, but totally botched it again. Ever forgiving, she bounded out of the room happily, stopping by the mirror to check her reflection. A grand total of 5 minutes later she came downstairs, ringlets swaying. Like Charlie Brown I picked myself up and shook my head....I had been duped once again. When I asked her about our little arrangement she simply said, "I was all done wearing them!" Maybe she gives me the false hope because she wants me to practice my braiding skills. Maybe it's because she secretly has a bet with her brothers about how many times she can sucker me in. Either way I will NEVER, EVER try to braid her hair again!! Never.....until the next time...

Confessions from an Imperfect Parent

Being a Mom is great no question!But there are also times when it can suck…

You get to wake up every morning & automatically be more loved than Elmo! Solo potty breaks are a thing of the PAST.

You get kisses even when you are sick!
They give you kisses even when THEY are sick.

A simple thing like watching a kids show together makes them euphoric!
Any given day you have at least 3 kids show SONGS IN YOUR HEAD.

Your day becomes instantly better with one smile!
You find that one Lego in the dark AFTER you have stepped on it.

As long as they are promised a Happy Meal, they will go anywhere with you!
Somehow kid toothpaste MAGICALLY appears on your elbow, steering wheel or comforter.

More often than not, the last thing you see at the end of the day is a sticker or a toy underneath your pillow reminding you it’s all worth it!
You pull back the covers to reveal assorted CRUMBS on a regular basis.

Teenage Moments & Poker

This morning as I was taking my teenage son to school, his window got stuck in the ½ down position. As we were sitting in traffic in front of his school, I made a comment that one of his friends was walking by. My son turned to me indignantly and said, "Mom! Don’t talk OUT LOUD all the time!" This comment brought upon much deserved tear-jerking laughter on my part and a smirk from him. My reply was "Ok I will now communicate telepathically….what am I saying now?" We went on to laugh until he got out of the car. This was a good Teenage Moment. I have learned that Teenage Moments are mostly black or white. Black teenage-angst-ish or white normal-human-being-ish with a very SLIM margin of gray. I’m pretty fortunate that his WORST days don’t even come close to rivaling my BEST teenage days (a fact my Mom can attest to). We can still have fun and laugh but when the beastly teenage head emerges…WATCH OUT!! I have somewhat deciphered the teenage code: easy breezy Mom and it's Dr. Jeckle. But require ANYTHING and it’s...hello Mr. Hyde! So I balance them both by mostly requiring the norm: Homework, Eating, Sleeping with the added occasional dishes and laundry folding. It’s that "added" part that gets the most grief. Most conversations actually go like this: "Son, I need you to put away the clean dishes and load the dirty ones." But what he hears is more like this: "Son, I want you to paint the house, detail my car, mow the lawn, vacuum our house AND the neighbor’s all before dinner. If these tasks are not completed…you will face the firing squad!! Bawhahahaha!!" I have it on good authority (mostly from a newspaper comic strip called "Zits") that this is all normal teenage behavior. I look at it as a gigantic, continuous game of poker.

The cards are dealt: chores are announced.

Bets are cast: my internal mom-o-logue as to how bad the fallout will be.

Bluffs begin to fly: "Mom! If I do the dishes then I will NEVER get my homework done, my grades will plummet, I’ll get kicked off Football and I will NEVER graduate High School!!" This is followed by me displaying my best poker face while bluffing: "If you don’t I will take away X-Box, your laptop and disconnect texting for a MONTH!"

I’d say odds are definitely in my favor but occasionally he’ll pull an Ace from up his sleeve and say "Ok, all cards on the table. I have known about this essay for 3 weeks and it’s 75% of my grade."

Yep…I fold.