Saturday, August 13, 2016

Nonsensical Noises

A second ago I was muttering to myself “you won’t win…you think you’ve won but I will beat you…I will BEAT you…” This was followed by a few grunts and a couple exaggerated exhales. Thankfully my kids just passed by my open bedroom door and continued down the hallway. I wasn’t texting or playing on my phone or discussing a human. It was something so much worse. After what seemed like 20 tries, I was sprawled across my bed, trying to differentiate the long from the short corner of a clean fitted sheet. A task little kids are taught on their twin beds, had suddenly become a torturous ordeal with my Queen size. It seemed to be the Goldilocks of beds. The old King was too big, the Twin too tiny…the Queen seemed a perfect fit. Apparently I’m really great with “obvious” however I slide into the fetal position when faced with what can only be described as the slightly-less-than-square Queen sheet. I did succeed by going against conventional wisdom and trying the same corner on three different sides of the mattress. The last try worked. I will not be forced to sleep on a bare mattress tonight. Tonight I am the victor and I will enjoy my spoils...until next Saturday’s laundry night.  

Sunday, January 19, 2014

My NEW Body Mantra

These hips.....birthed my 3 kids.
These boobs.....fed them.
These eyes.....attracted their father.
This smile.....made him fall in love.
These arms.....cook, clean, hold & comfort.
These hands.....wear his ring.
These feet.....keep me going.
These legs.....keep me upright.
These lips.....say 1,000 "I love you's"

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I saw her this morning

She was there this morning. She was alone, so to speak. There were no men with her. No women for that matter. She looked disheveled and out of sorts. All eyes were on her as she made her way through the very public place. Some shook their heads, some turned away quickly as to not make eye contact. No doubt there were others like myself,  who wanted to say something but…didn’t. Sometimes people like her invite conversation. Maybe it’s because it makes them feel part of the rest of the world. But sometimes they will ignore even the best of intentions. Either way I can’t blame her…I was once her. Trying to hurry through. Trying to avoid judging eyes. She wasn’t quite as young as I was that first time. Maybe for that reason it will be easier for her. I will never see her again so I will never know. But I can say this for sure...nothing really ever prepares you for that first time you take your baby shopping at Target.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Post Halloween Questions to Ponder:

If I throw up candy am I technically a piƱata?

Can I get diabetes in one night?

If a French Maid is such a sexy costume, why not a Naughty Meter-Maid or a Voluptuous Vacuum?
Is it too late to egg people’s houses who didn’t give out candy?

Why is it the one time my kids willingly carry around a vegetable, I fill it with candy?

Can a person get a candy hangover?

My name is Onie…and I have a Tootsie Roll problem.
Where do I send the bill for the pants ruined by the guy wielding a chainsaw & running after people?

Will my children need therapy for the lovingly picked out, sweetly carved and aptly named pumpkins I callously threw into the trash without their consent?

Will the Non-Pregnant lady I called an adorably pregnant Sugar Skull need therapy?

How long will the self-inflicted-by-eating-too-many-sour-candies-numbness on one side of my tongue last?
Is it too soon to decorate for Christmas? Walmart is doing it why can't I?!  

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Umbilical Reach...

Moms get this feeling after giving birth, it’s a mixture of elation, protectiveness and just general weirdness to see someone else holding their baby. This little human grew inside my body for 40 weeks…and now someone else is holding him! It’s like seeing a piece of your heart walking around on its own. It feels that way too. I have always thought that feeling was at it’s strongest in those moments after your baby is born. That feeling visits when new milestones are reached like crawling and walking, going to Kindergarten, but the hugeness of the feeling never quite reaches that point of the moments after your baby is born…until they turn 18 and find a purpose and goal for their life. There’s that same feeling of elation, protectiveness and weirdness that existed in its fullest all those years ago. I’m elated for this exciting new chapter. I have been the hedge of protection around him for all these years and now there’s that feeling of weirdness…like my heart is walking around on its own again but this time it’s not coming home to a crib, it’s going to start a whole new life...

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Things my kids taught me today...

This morning I learned that cereal isn’t a suitable snack to take to school. We were out of the usual lunch fare (besides PB&J) so I tried to slip some Honey Nut Cheerios into the mix. It was met with an indignant, “Mom you can’t send me cereal for snack! Last time the kid sitting next to me laughed when she saw me with Rice Krispy’s! Now every time I see her l KNOW she thinks I’m the Rice Krispy kid!” Ok so I admit I was pushing it with the Rice Krispy’s but what was the “Option C” since “Option B” obviously didn’t work out?! One of these days my kids might just find “Option C” in their lunch, but then would I ever hear the end of, “Mom now everyone calls me the uncooked spaghetti kid!!”

This afternoon I learned that even the best laid plans…can lead to my kid throwing a tantrum on the floor. My Mom started a tradition with my brother and I when we were kids called “The Great Pumpkin.” Yes she totally ripped it off from Charlie Brown but unlike Linus, he always delivered the goods. If you could picture a hippy-ish upbringing, complete with carob bars and sesame “candies” you would have my childhood in a nutshell. That being said, there were two times a year we could count on actual, good old fashioned, corn syrup laden candy: Halloween and Christmas. The weeks leading up to Halloween, “The Great Pumpkin” would leave little pumpkin shaped candies inexplicably all over the house! Every time their arrival would be announced by my Mom, “Looks like the Great Pumpkin came!!” My brother and I would joyfully run to claim our delicious treats. This was a tradition I’d carried out for my 18 year old his entire life and one that remained happy…until this afternoon. This afternoon the scene played out as it always had: “The Great Pumpkin…bla bla bla.” It took all of five minutes before my 5 & 6 year olds started to ask questions. “Mom when is the Great Pumpkin coming again? If we turn around and pretend to keep coloring will he come back? Is it a he or is it a she? Who is this coming into our house that we can’t see? Can I have another one? Do you know where he keeps them?” My initial replies ranged from "I don't know" to "No." Then my kids escalated to the rapid fire/sudden death round of questions! "I don't know!!!" "No!!!" Ahhhhhhh!!! Was the memory of my childhood sugar coated?? (Punny) Did I drive my mother crazy with 20 questions?? Suffice it to say within 5 minutes, I was pushed to the limits and shouted, “CLEARLY this was a bad idea because CLEARLY you two are not acting like the kind of kids the Great Pumpkin visits multiple times a day and CLEARLY he isn’t going to visit again today because CLEARLY you two have had enough sugar!!” Yep, not my finest moment. I received my due punishment later when I made myself sick eating 2 handfuls of the little orange candies.  

Finally this evening my 6 year old son taught me a valuable lesson about pantry organizing: Never leave the “Bacon Bits” container on the bottom shelf…what a mess…what...a...mess...

Thursday, October 18, 2012


This morning I was appalled at the $97 I paid at the pump to fill my car! I was mentally composing my Facebook Status Update whilst in line at Starbucks. After I handed over $5 for my fave 20oz Venti Pumpkin Spice latte, I decided my perspective was a bit askew. My reward for getting all three kids to school on time is an occasional coffee at Starbucks and I am rarely ever disgusted with paying $5 for a latte. However when I’m buying Folders at the grocery store and find it can be up to $10 for a container that makes umpteen cups of coffee I scoff at the price! Unfortunately my delusions don’t end with coffee. I have been known to drive 40 miles to the nearest Costco to buy groceries at a reduced rate. Aside from the astronomical gas prices and 80 mile round trip, anyone who shops at warehouse stores knows it’s IMPOSSIBLE to pass up the extra “necessities” like 20 socks or a ten pound bag of cereal that the kids tire of before ever reaching the end! I like the feeling of getting 5000 rolls of toilet paper for $9 or 100 bars of soap just as much as the next person, but the hassle of finding space to put it all kind of ruins my bargain hunting buzz! In my 37 years on this earth I have realized a few things about myself. #1: other people’s feet gross me out. #2: I am willing to use Santa as leverage throughout the year when my kids are misbehaving. #3: cellulite is a part of life. #4 the only thing consistently getting thinner as I age are my eyebrows. And #5: my perspective of bargains vs. price gouging is a little awry.

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